


The One Where Steve Finds Out

by neversaydie



Series: How To Survive College (with a little help from your friends) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Partying, Past Abuse, Punk Steve Rogers, Sex Worker Bucky Barnes, Skinny Steve, Trans Clint Barton, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, hot mess bucky barnes, tags will be updated as we go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9473552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: "Have you seen Barnes?" Clint raises his voice a little more than he needs to over the music, but other than that and his red eyes he seems fairly sober."Not since we got here." Steve shrugs and takes a sip of his coke which - like his mood - is predictably flat. Being the Sober Friend sucks sometimes, even if he's doing it to save his immune system."Well, he's a fucking mess. And I'm saying that." Yeah, that gets Steve's attention because Clint is well known for being a walking car crash. People who don't even know him get a tire fire vibe from him. "I think we need to get him home."[in which there is drinking and everyone is a hot mess and fucks up and Truths are learned]





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello I'm back it's been so long.
> 
> This takes place in the College AU linked top and bottom, read that first.
> 
> Spoiler/TW: this instalment will include someone coming out about childhood abuse. Nothing specific or graphic described, all implication.

It's past midnight when one of the group finally makes their way back to Steve's spot in the quietest corner he could find (that he's about to move out of because a couple have started making out nearby and he doesn't need to be reminded of just _how_ single he is right now). He's not drinking tonight, doesn't want to fuck with his immune deficiency considering the eight-week cold he just got over, but tagged along to yet another house party against his better judgement.

The way things have been going this week, somebody's going to end up in hospital or jail if they don't have a designated Sober Friend around.  

"Have you seen Barnes?" Clint raises his voice a little more than he needs to over the music, but other than that and his red eyes he seems fairly sober.

"Not since we got here." Steve shrugs and takes a sip of his coke which - like his mood - is predictably flat.

"Well, he's a fucking mess. And  _I'm_ saying that." Clint gestures at himself to reinforce the point and, yeah, that gets Steve's attention because Clint is well known for being a walking car crash. People who don't even know him get a tire fire vibe from him. "I think we need to get him home."

"He's a big boy. If he wants to be a mess then let him." It's not exactly a spiteful thing to say although it might sound it – Bucky has never taken kindly to being cared for, and trying to put any kind of limits on him works about as well as a saran wrap condom.

Steve and his hero complex and Dad Friend instincts (and his super-secret crush, mustn't forget that steaming heap of bullshit) struggle with that, but there's not a lot he can do. This week has been particularly trying, because Bucky seems determined to burn himself out as fast and spectacularly as possible. They haven't seen him sober since Tuesday.

"He's embarrassing himself, Steve." Clint actually looks upset about it, which again gives Steve pause because _wow_ that guy has issues about showing emotions in public so this must be serious. "I dunno what he took but he's stumbling about like an idiot and he won't listen to me."

"Alright, alright. I'll try." Steve squeezes Clint's arm and his friend nods, looking determinedly at the floor and blinking rapidly. If he's getting this upset he probably shouldn't drink any more himself, he'll only be embarrassed in the morning. "Go find Nat and Sam, okay? Don't worry about it, I got him."

It takes a while to find Bucky in the packed house, and Steve eventually comes across him smoking out on the back porch, swaying with one hand on the wall to keep himself upright. Clint wasn't exaggerating about him being a mess: his eyeliner has smudged panda-style around his eyes with his ridiculously sparkly eyeshadow reduced to just a few traces of glitter caught in his stubble, and there's a nasty bruise forming on his cheekbone – red and already beginning to cloud.

When he catches sight of Steve, Bucky's face splits into a wide grin… which is totally dead behind the eyes.

Well, shit. This is really not good.

"Hey, Stevie!" He slurs in a cloud of smoke, instantly looking stricken when he realises what he's done. "Oh, shit. Asthma."

He tosses the butt of his cigarette and flaps his hands around ineffectually, trying to get rid of the smoke and nearly slapping Steve in the process. Steve easily swerves the drunken flailing (almost twisting his shitty knee in the process and _that_ would have made him run out of sympathy really fast) and grabs Bucky's chin, turning his face into the light.  

"Jesus, you get punched?" He's not sure Barnes would even _feel_ getting punched right now, let alone remember it, but Bucky shakes his head exaggeratedly. There are a couple of girls out on the porch watching them like they're sweet – they probably think they're a couple, fuck – who Steve studiously ignores.

"I fell down." Bucky hiccups a giggle and clumsily pushes sweaty hair out of his face. Steve notices fresh scratches on his arms in the dim light – he's actively bleeding, Jesus Christ – and realises it's half past time to put a stop to this train wreck. "I hit a table, on the corner of it. Nice girl gave me ice… but I think I put it down somewhere."

"Fucking… shit." Steve shakes his head and lets Bucky's chin go as his friend takes a sloppy sip from whatever the fuck is in the red cup he's clutching for dear life. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

Bucky goes still – looking for all the world like he's deciding between stalking off or tearing Steve a new one – so Steve quickly rephrases. He's never actually seen Bucky get in a fight (well, he's seen him end them… usually when Steve started them), but he doesn't like his chances against anybody this wasted.

"I mean, what's _wrong_ , Buck?" He has to grab Bucky's arm to steady him when he sways a little too far for balance, but takes his hand away quickly when the touch inspires a full-on flinch. Which is both new and disturbing. "I haven't seen you sober this _week_ , man. What's going on?"

"Nothing, m'fine." He smiles again, that sharp, handsome grin that looks real at a glance. It splits his chewed to hell bottom lip in the process, and Steve knows better than to believe it as the blood beads up. "See?"

"Bullshit." Steve hears the girls behind them whispering and moves further away from them, which Bucky mirrors unsteadily. "You're in some kind of spiral, it's not hard to fucking see. Clint's really worried about you."

"Oh, shit. I was gonna go find him." Bucky makes an aborted move to walk, then catches himself on the wall again when he almost overbalances. Which leaves him way too close to Steve, and they just look at each other for a second before Bucky tilts his head like a tired bird. "You're handsome."

"Uh, thanks." Steve – whose stomach doesn't do anything weird when Bucky looks at him with that intensity, not at all – scratches his cheek awkwardly and tries to bring them back on track. He can smell tequila on Bucky's breath from here, plus god knows what else. "I mean it, man. What the hell's going on? We're all worried about you."

"I'm fine, _fuck_." It's an unconvincing statement when it's slurred with a roll of the head that Steve's half convinced is about to end up on his shoulder. Bucky seems to realise he's giving away just how bombed he is, because he leans closer and tries to divert the conversation again. "I think I just need to get fucked, y'know?"

"Find that hard to believe." Steve snorts, trying to sound flippant as he backs up a little. It's not that he doesn't want to kiss Bucky (he's admitting it to himself now? This night really is going to shit), but he definitely doesn't want to kiss him when he's barely in control of his motor functions. Let alone fuck the guy.

Bucky doesn't even seem like he's particularly flirting, anyway. There's something desperate about it that leaves a sour feeling in the back of Steve's throat.

"You could. Y'know. If you wanted to." A flash of panic crosses his face when Steve steps away and it's simultaneously pathetic and breaking Steve's fucking heart. "Whatever you want, I wouldn't make it weird or anything."

"No, Bucky. I'm not gonna have sex with you." It's a surreal moment, because despite the tension between them they've always managed to be either respectful or chicken and never put anything on the table between them.

Now Bucky's spreading himself out on a platter, like he's afraid Steve will leave him alone if he doesn't, and it's at once tragic and infuriating. Why can't things be easy between them? What's this layer of damage eating Bucky from the inside out?

"Why don't you wanna fuck me?" He almost sounds offended, intoxicated enough that the usually carefully-hidden anxiety is plain as day in his voice.

"You can hardly stand up." Steve tries to keep his tone level, considering the state of his friend and the fact they're currently being listened to for the drama, but the wounded look in Bucky's eyes is both freaking him out and pissing him off. "You literally can't consent right now."

"But… But you like me, I know you don't _hate_ me. Why won't you…" Bucky looks like he's honest to god about to burst into tears and Steve should have just taken the risk and drunk tonight because he can't work out why this is happening. "Can't you just…"

Then he figures it out, and that actually makes things worse.

"Do you want a hug?" His voice is a little sharp when he asks, which is perhaps why Bucky just stares at him for a second. It's long enough for Steve to feel the itchy prickle of guilt and let it get the best of him, and he's even harsher when he continues. "You can ask for a _hug_ without getting fucked, Bucky. Jesus fucking Christ, what's the matter with you?"

The air between them crystallises and Steve knows he's fucked up as soon as he says it, frustration winning out over reason and making him lash out like he always does. This is exactly how he drives people away every time, but he never thought it would be like this. He's not mad at Bucky – he wants to explain that he's upset with whatever the fuck has warped the guy's worldview so much he can't even ask for a hug when he's upset – but he doesn't get the chance to talk his way out of it.

Jaw working hard, teeth clenched and lips in a tight line in an effort to keep himself together, Bucky looks away and nods sharply. He throws his cup off the porch, a jerky movement in the darkness, and pushes past Steve to go back into the party.

Even then, he makes an effort not to check Steve's bad shoulder on his way. Steve feels like a fucking asshole.

"Buck, I didn't…" Bucky fumbles the handle of the backdoor a few times before he gets it open, but he doesn't look back at Steve. He's already fumbling in his pocket for something, and whatever it is had better not be drugs because Steve's starting to worry he'll actually end up in the hospital. "Buck, I'm sorry. Bucky, c'mon."

The door opens in a burst of music and noise and then swings shut, leaving Steve out on the cold porch alone. Except for the pair of girls, of course, who are looking at him like he's done something terrible. Whether they actually overheard or whether they think he just had a fight with his boyfriend, Steve doesn't much care right now.

The wall of the house is cold when he flops back against it, cursing as he watches his breath cloud in front of him and hopes he's not going to start coughing. He closes his eyes to try and block everything out, but Bucky's wounded expression is burned into his retinas.

So much for things getting better between them. Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> More chapters coming soon (and they get back to the overall tone of the series more, if that makes sense), should be less than five this time around!


End file.
